Alisons Journal

Hi All

Well tomorrow marks the day were I begin the countdown from just 200 days to my little operation and it also marks my 10 months of being on RLT and these two things have got me thinking a little about where I am right now. Its all systems go now with flights booked and most of the paperwork sorted and I know the next 200 days will fly by just a quick as the last 165 days and my year to op point.

Personally life could not be better. I am in good health, in a happy and rewarding relationship and generally accepted all round by those that know me. I know its not all been good and the last 10 months have brought a fair share of issues, some of which have caused great pain, yet despite all the turmoil I am still here and enjoying everything life has to give me.

I now have just 2 months of RLT to do and I am wondering just what I have left to prove, or even if I have to prove anything at all. I feel like I have lived a normal and meaningful life for some time now and it's not felt like a test at all. Maybe thats the whole idea of RLT, maybe its expected that its actually a year for you to come to terms with living your life in the right way, dealing with the changes and settling back into society. I personally don't think I have been on a test, more of a journey of experience however, I would still say that it has been a very important part of my life transition. I think I prefer the tag RL and drop the whole "T for test" suggestion.

So.. life has certianly moved on for me and tomorrow I will be marking my t-200 day with a few drinks with friends and introducing them to my my partner, and if ever it was needed, this element is a clear indication of just how far I have come.

Alison x

Well it’s been a strange few weeks since my last post and so much has happened.

I spent a week away with a friend of mine in Paris and I had a wonderful, if not a little tiring, time there. We did some of the tourist things and also a number of days at Disneyland Resort Paris. For me this trip was always going to be hard as my last trip there was not so long ago and on that occasion it was with my long term partner of whom I separated from last June. So a good time had on this occasion and even though I had one tearful night a number of new memories were taken in and now I know I could face Paris again without any fear of drifting into the past.

I returned to find that my dad was taken ill whilst I was out of the country and had to undergo surgery in hospital. I was a little upset with the fact that I was not told until my return but looking back at it he was in the right place and under good care and even if I had been told earlier just what could I have done from France. He is now out and is recovering. I drove to Nottingham again this weekend to see him and although he looks a little aged, due the sheer shock of surgery, he is now eating and getting better. My only issue with my farther now is his apparent lack of understanding and acceptance towards what I am going through and within 5 mins of my visit he said something to offend me. I suppose that I will just have to accept that although he loves me he may never be able to identify with his new daughter.

OK.. Now something else has happened over the last few weeks, something that has again changed my outlook. A good friend of mine has undergone major surgery that will shape her life forever. Now I wont go into details here of names and surgery type but I will say that it the best thing she ever did and she is doing very very well. I am in complete ore of what my friend has gone through and total admiration for her courage to face it and do what she had to do. She has my attention, my love and my respect. My only concern is that I might loose a friend in time, as has been the case on a number of other occasions following surgery of this nature, but only time will tell.

I have been encouraged to continue with my life and fulfil my ambition so thank you very much C

On a lighter note I got my result back from college and I have passed my first year of “counselling” course. The final report was a little damming in relation to my attitude towards the tutor but she was a complete cow and very unprofessional… At the end of the day I passed year one!!!! Year 2 will be on hold for a year due to me having some time out in 2008 but I will pick up where I ended in the very near future.

So.. to sum up, and C will be happy with this, “PROGRESS”.. Progress made in both socially and mentally and now ready for physically too.

Alison x x x

All the way through life there are always those times that you would mark as monumental, your first walk, your first kiss or even your first love so this posting is dedicated to mark one of those times.

Last night I had my first sexual encounter with a male friend that I have known for almost eight months.

Now I will admit that I was a little scared, and those that know me will also confirm that overcoming this “new experience” has been a little hard, but with the aid of a small glass of wine, a good DVD and mood lighting everything came together to make a perfect night.

Of course I am too much of a lady to tell all of the details but I will say that I really wish I had not waited as long as I had done.

  

Its been strange few days.... but then whats new!!!

Friday night I went out to a pub. now I know thats in on its own this nothing special but I went on my own, something never done before. I felt like I needed to get out of the house and it was a kind of treat. When I got there, quiet little country pub, I opened my book and read for about an hour. it was bliss as no one interupted me. well no one except the mobile phone in my pocket and texts from my man.

He wanted to see me... in the end I gave up and told him to join me.. but only for one drink. This was my night, my rules..

Saturday was full of mixed feelings. I had woken up with horrible feelings of me being the joke of society and a blott on my family. Not very pleasant and despite going to see Pirates 3 at the cinema the feelings reamined throughout the day. I watched Beeches, Bett Midler film, whilst ironing later and as usual I cried (its a weepy movie) but I soon realised that I was not crying over the film but actually about me and my life again!! arrrrggghhh this happens all the time!!! After the tears I made my way to a party I was supposed to go to and although I was over an hour late I let myself go again and had a good time.

My man now has some issues. The other night he went out with old work friends and they were talking about a Trans person who had started work with them and my man found himself getting angry with the friends as they were making nasty coments and saying things like "well I would S**g it just for the expereince. He was also angry at himself as not once did he correct them in any way. I have since put him right and said that he did the right thing about not saying anything as it may have put him in a position that he may not have been able to deal with. The problem with this is he has spent most of the morning wondering about our relationship and questioning himself if he is in the relationship for the right reasons... He needs to get his own answer to this but I know that I may miss him if he was not around. (oh dear.. am I now in it for the right reasons?)

Mum is home from Cornwall and is as flattering to me as usual.. "your not wearing enough make up!!" " you need more lipstick on!".... one day mum will actually tell me that I look nice, without promting, and not resort to making my already low self asteem even lower.

So thought of the weekend... am I the butt of pub conversations?, am I the the butt of a lot of jokes? well the answer I would guess would be a yes.... but I expect nothing less from a society that is still full of biggots and narrowminded people. PEOPLE of the world open your eyes and see that different does not always mean wrong and normal is not always right.

  

Wow.. just seen that I can also update my journal by email... Technology is fab

Alison x x x

Well I thought I had better start to get some things down on paper for "keep sake" A good friend of mine, Caroline, showed me her Live Journal and I was amazed at the things she had written about. Most of the things were just day to day things.. things that had happend and how she felt. I have felt the need for some time to put pen to paper and mirror some of the things I do and what I am feeling on that day in question yet even afetr all these months and after all I have been through with RLT/RLE, dating and emotions I still have nothing to show for it other than just my own memories.

So.. promise to me... must keep journal up to date..

Ali x